Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Be Safe, My Precious....

Before I became a mom, I was in love with this world. I saw magic in every corner, and goodness in every single heart. I looked down upon those who always worried about the bad things in life, and was irritated with the doomsayers.

But motherhood changed my whole perspective. How could it not? Suddenly up became down, and right became wrong. My daughter’s safety became my Omni-present worry.  I found myself unable to relax around strangers when my daughter was around. I started looking at everyone with different eyes. At the back of my mind, I was judging every word, every nuance, every glance and every touch, of every single person she came in contact with. I don’t even change her diaper in public, for fear of the perverts who could be watching. This, sadly, has become my normal modus operandi.

I know what most of you, especially those who don’t have kids yet, will be thinking…”That’s such a sorry way to live. She needs to relax.” But at least some of you, especially moms of girl children, will understand me. Because I am only doing what they themselves are doing. I am nothing, but a reflection of their thoughts, worries and actions.

We would love to live in a different way. To let our daughters and sons board a school bus, or go to a shop nearby without any worries. We would love to let them live their lives in innocence, like we ourselves did…without having to teach a toddler about ‘stranger danger’, and ‘good touch and bad touch’.  We know we are slowly, but surely stealing away their innocence. 

Image by Hyena Reality/

But how can we relax when our babies are not even safe in schools? Recent developments in Bangalore have just underlined this fear. I can’t (and don’t want to) even imagine what that 6-yr old girls' family, and that poor baby must be going through. How do we fight against the whole world? How do we keep our precious babies safe? We definitely can’t keep them locked up in ivory towers, but who can we appoint as their guardian angels? Who can we send with them, to always be with them, and to always keep them safe? What do we do, when the guardian angels are the ones we need to fear the most?!!!! 

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Spanking Children – An accepted form of child abuse?

    Have you ever seen a child being spanked for doing something naughty? 

    For most Indians, the sight of a child being spanked or beaten (not enough to cause harm, of course) is a very normal sight. In fact, most Indians have been spanked by their parents/teachers/elders at least once in their life. For a culture that frowns upon people using bad language in front of kids, we are disturbingly complacent about someone raising their hand on a child. We even have proverbs about it in each regional language.

   I never thought twice about it, until my daughter was born. Sam’s birth sparked off bone-deep uneasiness in me, about the whole ‘spare the rod; and you will spoil the child’ concept. Every time I thought about it, I was overcome with horror. 

    I soon realized that this reaction was very different from the sadness and guilt I felt, when I scolded her or shouted at her ‘for her own good’. This horror was because it felt fundamentally and absolutely wrong to do something like that to a defenseless child. My very soul rebelled against this act. But when I tried to share this feeling with experienced parents around me, they said it was fine. They said that it’s sometimes required….only then do kids understand really important concepts. But I could not convince myself on this. Every time I tried, these were the questions my conscience asked me….

  • How come hitting a child is acceptable, while hitting an adult is not? We look at people, who raise their hands on adults, with such censure and horror. I have heard of so many marriages or relationships break up because one partner raised their hand on the other. Then how can we justify hitting children? Aren’t children humans too? Don’t they warrant as much, if not more, protection as adults? Are mild spankings truly harmless? 

  • How can I justify to my child that I am allowed to hit or spank her, but she is not allowed to hit another child or elder? How can I explain to her why hitting another person is wrong? Children learn by example. If you hit her today, she will surely hit someone tomorrow.

  • Is it really an effective disciplinary action, as people claim? The child may obey you due to fear, but that does not mean that the habit or value you tried to instill in her was truly absorbed by her. She may just do it when your back is turned and learn how to hide it better from you. 

  • You are your child’s universe. She believes you will keep her safe from harm and pain. Her trust is blind and absolute. How can you betray that trust? How can you ever meet those wounded eyes? For that matter, how can you meet your own eyes?

  • Accidents can occur! However softly you hit a child, the fact is that you are a big grownup while they are such tiny and fragile beings. They can easily fall or hit some furniture and hurt themselves. If something like that happens you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourselves….ever.

  You may say, “we all grew up like this, but none of us turned out bad”. But let me ask you this... Is that sufficient justification for hitting a child? Are we planning to continue doing this until something bad happens?

  I have vowed not to raise my hand on a child, no matter what the provocation. I know it may not be easy to discipline without spanking... but I don't want to see the trust in my daughter's eyes decrease by even one iota....ever.  

Can you suggest a good disciplinary action as an alternative to spanking? Please let me know the tips and tricks by leaving comments. 

Friday, 23 May 2014

Tips to stop thumb sucking by toddlers

I think Samaara was around 2.5 months old when she started sucking her thumb. Everyone found it to be a very cute habit. I am sure almost all of us go ‘Awww’ whenever we see a baby sucking her thumb. There is something so amazingly endearing about it, isn’t there?
But as time went on, and Sam slowly grew from infant to toddler, she did not show any signs of letting go of this comfort mechanism. And we started worrying about the effects on her teeth alignment and the shape of her lips. Friends and family also added to this worry by giving their (unsolicited!) opinions.

So we, or rather I, started researching on the topic. We checked the internet, as well as with friends, family and docs. But most of the suggestions seemed to be for kids older than 4 or 5 years. They were too much for a 2 yr old to fathom.

We did not want to break her out of it suddenly or forcefully. Children suck thumb for a reason – it is their self-soothing mechanism. It is said that some babies start thumb sucking while in their mom’s womb itself. It gives them as much (and sometimes even more!) comfort than being soothed by their mom. When we go for a quick-fix (like suddenly applying highly bitter medicine on the thumb), we are being very insensitive to the baby’s needs. We did not want to traumatize my daughter while trying to get her away from her biggest comfort…we just wanted her to be secure enough not to need that comfort. So we decided to try and enlist her cooperation in this endeavor.

The strategy we used worked brilliantly with Sam. She was 2 yrs old when we tried these tricks. In less than two months, Sam stopped thumb sucking. Honestly speaking, I had expected it to drag on for longer than that. Since then, only rarely does sucks her thumb – and that’s in sleep when she is thirsty. But if we gently remove her thumb from her mouth, she never complains, nor does she try to put it back into her mouth. I have given below the steps we took to get her out of it. I hope these tips are as helpful for you as they were for us. It was not one single trick that helped her break the habit. Rather, it was a combination of these tips, employed at appropriate times.

Step 1:  The ‘injured thumb’ ploy – This was the first trick we tried with Sam. One day we told her that her thumb was injured, and that we need to put medicine on it. Then I took some lemon juice (unsweetened, of course) and applied it on her thumb. We told her not to put it in her mouth as there’s medicine on it. I was proud to see her resisting temptation for some time, but after a little while she put it in her mouth. But when she got the taste, she immediately scrunched up her face and looked at her thumb as if it betrayed her! :-) We told her the ‘bad taste’ was because of the injury, and that the injury itself was because of her thumb-sucking. This did not stop her from sucking her thumb…the sour taste was too mild for that. But it caused her to become conscious whenever she sucked her thumb. We continued this ploy for some days, but finally we realized that she was starting to really like that taste. We knew it was time for the second stage of the operation….Only thing is, we did not know what the second stage would be! :-)

Step 2: Stickers galore! – We created a simple reward system. For each day that Sam did not suck her thumb, we, or rather 'baby Jesus', would give her a nice sticker. We gave the credit to Baby Jesus because I did not want her to keep bugging me for the stickers each day. Whenever she tried, we just told her Baby Jesus had not delivered it yet, and that he would deliver it only if she stuck to her side of the bargain. :-) Everyday we would hide it somewhere on her bed, and let her find it. We would help and give hints, of course. Each day we made a big production out of sticking it on our bathroom door and counting the stickers on the wall. This game became a big deal for her.
And an unexpected bonus…Because of all this sticker counting, Sam learned to count from 1 to 20 at the tender age of 2 yrs! I know, I know….I am a genius mom! :-) :-)

Slowly the stickers on the bathroom door became like a badge of honor for her. She would proudly show off her wall of stickers (sometimes multiple times) to every person who came visiting. Of course, she slipped up several times in a single day, but we would just remind her about the game and encourage her not to suck her thumb again. On days when she repeatedly kept breaking the deal, we did not give her stickers. She would cry and plead but we stood lovingly steadfast. But the next day, if she had earned the sticker we would sometimes give her a bonus sticker.

By the end of this game she had lost her dependence on thumb sucking. It was just something she did occasionally...and that too, just out of rebellion. This sticker game went on for around 20 days….and then stickers lost their charm. We realized that she was on the verge of restarting her habit because of a rebellious streak. Time for stage 3. :-)

Step 3: Thumb-sucker repellent – We felt she was now emotionally ready for some heavy duty measures. We started applying ‘Femite’, a bitter tasting liquid, onto her fingers. We told her this was also a medicine. Since Sam loves the whole idea of ‘medicine’ she was very agreeable to it. When she forgot and occasionally tried to suck on her thumb, she was reminded of what she was doing because of the bitterness. All through this stage, we maintained that the bad taste was because of her thumb sucking and not because of the medicine. If we had applied this bitter liquid to a child who is a full-time addict, we would be causing her a lot of trauma. But by keeping this heavy measure for the last, we had already ensured that she had lost the addiction. All she needed was a reminder system to keep her on track. We only had to do this for about 5-6 days. Within that time she outgrew the habit completely.

The best thing about this strategy was that throughout this entire process she was never an unwilling guinea pig….instead she was a willing and happy participant. So she was as proud of this victory as we were. From someone who needed to suck her thumb in order to sleep, Sam became someone who could sleep without any such crutch. Both Sam and we had many sleepless nights when she would battle the urge to suck her thumb. All I could do on those days, was walk with her in my arms and soothe her – with lullabies, words, pats on her back and cuddles. Words cannot express how proud I was of her, as I saw her win the first difficult battle of her life. At the end of each difficult day, as she slipped into sleep, I would tell her…Sleep, my angel….And each time, she sleepily called out to me….Akabila…..

Every time I heard her say it, my life felt complete.

Does your little one suck her thumb? How did you manage to get her out of that habit? I would love to know your tips. Please do mention them in the comments section. Thanks.

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Do we really need 'Mother's Day'?

I often hear this question from many people, men and women alike. They say it’s a western world’s gimmick, which we have aped. “Why should only one day be ‘mother’s day’? Shouldn’t we respect and nurture mothers every single day?”

That’s a beautiful sentiment, I agree. But unfortunately none of us really do it. Oh we love our mothers, no doubt. But how many of us express it every day? How many of us try to understand their day to day problems, their small and big victories, their worries, their feeling of isolation, their overwhelming love? How many times have we offered them our partnership (not just occasional help)? How many times have we encouraged them to just leave everything and go meet their friends? They never take time for themselves. They are eternally worried whether our activities and comfort will be interrupted, if they go out with friends for a coffee, a movie - for anything, in fact. It’s funny how, unknowingly we also contribute to this worry. Instead of encouraging them to go out we start harassing them with questions and phone calls, asking ‘where is this’ and ‘where is that’. Finally the impression that they (and everybody else!) get, is that their family is a helpless bunch. As helpless as a newborn babe… It’s laughable really, how willing we are to be considered incompetent babies. We are only willing to see the wife, the mom or the grand mom in them. We conveniently forget the woman underneath.

Image courtesy of Ambro /
I am myself a woman, but the truth is that I am also guilty of treating my mom and grandma like this. It’s only now, when I entered the world of motherhood, that I really understand the loss of identity they have suffered for years - because of me. Only now am I able to truly empathize with them. Today every time I wish for an uninterrupted hour to myself, I am reminded of the thoughtlessness of my past.

Today I truly understand that it is not their ‘job’ to look after me. It was their choice and I should be grateful to them for making that choice. After all, they could have chosen not to worry about giving us healthy food, about us coming late, about our character-formation, our studies, our friends… basically, they could have chosen not to worry themselves into an early grave. But the fact is, I don’t think about all this most days. Only on a Women’s Day or a Mother’s Day do I take a step back and at least look at them…really look at them. So ladies and gentlemen, ‘Mother’s Day’ is not really for mothers...It’s for all of us…to think about this gift called Mother that God has given us, and to really revere them, to worship them….

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Akabila - The sound of Innocence....

Akabila…. a word I can never think of without a smile on my face. My darling daughter created it when she was around 1 and ½ yrs old. Neither me, nor my husband knew exactly what she meant by this word. But she would say it with the world’s sweetest smile on her face, and then wait for us to say the same to her. Slowly we realized that this was much more than a mere greeting for her. It was the vocalization of a love so innocent, exuberant and absolute that she had to create a new word for it. In a single word it said ‘Hi’, ‘All is well’, ‘Are you OK’ and ‘I Love You’. 

This was not a greeting she called out to just anyone. It was only bestowed upon those closest to her heart. Soon this became our family’s greeting word. When I decided to start this blog I was stumped as to what to name it. Then I decided that this beautiful word would be the best vehicle to connect with my readers. After all, who wouldn't want some innocent and exuberant love in their lives?